OBSESSION

hello all,

Jana here again. i wanted to write today and was not sure of what i was going to write about until now. you know i have always remained faithful to my husband, even through our hard times. We went through a time where we were dealing with a lot of difficult things in our lives and instead of him talking to me about things, he took things in his own hands and started talking to another woman. I didn't find this out until after we were married and of course he ended things when i told him either he has her as a "friend" or he has me. Through time I could not let this go, because I NEVER expected this kind of behavior out of him. We had known each other for 7 years and were best friends. We got each other through a lot in life and we were so much alike...we still are today (aside from the cheating part). this is why i never expected this out of him.

I could not let things go. I became obsessed with what exactly went on between them. I started asking questions and got pieces...first it was "innocent" information like that he just talked to her and then when i pushed the issue more, I found out more little details. Through the past two years I have become more and more obsessed with this situation and it is so hard for me to let go because each time i bring it up (like every couple months or so) I find out more information...he always says that there is no more information each time, but then I put everything together and then I end up bringing it up again and then I find out something else...

i feel like i am losing my mind here. For each time i find out something new, it hurts me but yet then again i become more obsessed with the situation and want to know more. I am still to this day obsessed with this, and want to know everything and he says still that there is no more information. Am I crazy for being so obsessed, and how does one NOT become, or overcome obsession?

any answers would be appreciated because I feel like I am losing my mind here with this obsession...I mean I want to go so far as to find this other woman and get her side of the story, but can't find her. Anyway, enough venting today. talk later.

JL

SHATTERED PIECES

Like a king taking over a pawn
My heart has been trampled on
Broken, shattered and ripped to pieces
Tossed, whipped and thrown with no miss
To find the pieces of my heart
Where to begin, where to start?
Before me I see a field of green
Filled with a mirror of reflections the eye has not seen
With each little step that I so gently take
I keep in mind the mended heart that I must make
To gather the pieces that I once knew
I keep in mind the love that I have for you
Hidden and tucked away
Yet surface again, it will do one day
So with each new step I take a chance
I creep up closer to get a better glance
And as the shattered pieces float my way
I have hope that things will be better with each new day
While tiptoeing by as to not cause new damage
I feel it tearing down, this wall that was built as a collage
This heart that was shattered, I know I can salvage
So I sift through the blades of grass as if I were a savage
Yet like a move in a game
Each blade is different and not the same
And like this mirror filled field
My heart has caution and struggles to yield
My life is a pawn, each move is strategic
I know our love, to some, may seem pathetic
Yet I am not ready to store it in the attic
So as my search for these pieces goes on
Of what I need
I know is not greed
For I know our love is still there, and not gone
So with each new step, I’ll search more and more
For my heart that was ripped to pieces
My heart that was tore
In my heart I truly believe this
That one day, in the grass, I will see those reflections no more
My heart no longer will be sore
One day, in my hand, I’ll hold the pieces of my heart
One day it will truly be our new start.

STAYING TRUE

People seem to amaze me everyday. There are people who are honest, kind, loving, faithful and there are people who are the complete opposite. Many times, people who are genuinely true, faithful and honest in their relationships hold true to those aspects. They tell themselves that there is no way that they would ever be anything different than being faithful, honest and trustworthy. And there are the types of people who just don't care how they are or behave in a relationship...and the types that even though they say that they are going to remain faithful in their relationship...get faced with a situation that they seem to be harmless, and then they get caught up in lies and deceit, before they realize what they are doing or have done...

In any given situation...in any relationship...no matter what you may feel about your significant other and the commitment you have towards them, you never truly know how you will act until you are faced head on with a situation that seems harmless, and then becomes complicated. The complication does not come out right away...it takes time. You may be talking to a college at work (as just friends) or a close friend of whom you appreciate their companionship and in your mind it is harmless. You convince yourself that there is no harm and your significant other would have no problem with you having conversations with this other person...after all you are just friends...right?

This is the type of situation that will (in most cases) cause the most of faithful, honest and trustworthy of people to their end. In a situation such as this, a person is blind to the fact that the other person (who is just a friend)may indeed have hidden motives behind the friendship. Then, before the honest, faithful person knows it...they are in a web that they seem to be stuck and can't break free from. They have been sucked in by the lure of this friend, who has slowly placed subtle hints on the relationship going further than just friends with their sly and sneaky comments that end up building the self-esteem of the other party in the friendship. Before you know it...the faithful person has fallen into this trap and begins to make comments back to the other party and then the relationship progress until the "faithful" person, becomes "unfaithful" due to the this lure and the desire to see what the other person has to offer.

My point is, that even though some of us say to ourselves "I would never do that...I would never cheat on my partner, nor would I place myself in a situation to do so...I will always remain faithful, for I am in love...." etc. One will never truly know if that will most definitely be the outcome of their life, until they are face with a situation that places them at a crossroad...and with the decision to take the "right" path of honesty, faithfulness, and staying true to their relationship.

What Do You See?

WHAT DO YOU SEE


Null and void I walk around
An empty shield
Hesitant to yield
I try so hard to listen for the sound
Yet all I hear is the cracking of the ground
It’s hard to show emotion
It’s hard to show devotion
I know not how to show it anymore
For through the years, my heart has grown sore
It’s so hard to release my emotions and let you in
For it goes much deeper into a life of sin
It goes much deeper than what is felt at this moment
It goes much deeper, into a heart that has been, for so long dormant
Many days I feel like breaking
I feel the cracks edging
Afraid of the day, that surface, the cracks they will
In fear of that day, I get a chill
Broken thoughts of an innocent child
Broken thoughts of that innocence defiled
Trust of loved ones, was trust in sin
And now it’s so hard to let the downpour of trust rush in
You say you see an angle
Yet I am no angle
If you only knew of the things that I have done
If you only knew what was present in this life that had begun
You say you see a rock
Yet what lay before you is a being in shock
Scared to let go
Scared to let show
This woman, you say you know.
You say you see before you a woman on innocence
A woman with an illuminating presence
Yet a mask covers her face
This woman of a different race
She beats to a different beat
Her body filled with much heat
Before you, stands a woman of disgrace
A woman tainted in the most unsuspecting of place
A woman abused in every way
A woman who struggles to start fresh with each day
You see before you, a woman who is strong
Yet, this is a woman who feels she has done everything wrong
With nothing but pain
With nothing but despair
Do you see a woman who goes by a different name?
Do you see a woman who has discerning care?
This woman that stands before you is trapped in a cage
This woman is a black-panther ready to pounce with much rage
Ready to divulge what is seen
Ready to make what is past, what is present, a vague dream
For every time this panther is set free
It is hard to conceive in the mind what is seen
You see a rock
Yet what lies in-front of you is a round block
Inside is a child that caresses each side
A child is trapped inside.
A child of confusion
A child full of delusion
A child born into a panther
A child who would rather
Have lived a life of peace
A life with no physical grief
A child who was raped of her innocence
A child longing for God’s presence
A child who lived to tell the tale of her murder
A child who you now call a survivor
You see a rock, you see an angle
Yet what you don’t see is the heart that so easily did mangle
Two questions I ask of you
Two answers, I only hope are true
Do you see me for the woman I am?
Do you see me for who I am?

By: Jana Adams

God given Strength

hello everyone, I wanted to let you know a little more about me, my life and the road that I have been on for the past couple of years. As I said (in about section) I am a mother and a wife. I am a writer and an author. I am also a student. I have spent the last two years dealing with the most difficult road I have been faced with in my entire life. You know, when you are a child, you always feel that everything you are going through is so hard and then as you get older you are faced with a new problem, or situation and then you say to yourself "this is definitely the hardest thing I have been through".

Well I come to say that I truly have been face with the most difficult road in my life over the past two years. Yet, despite everything (with the encouragement of my husband and family) I published my first book.

Almost two years ago, when I was 6 1/2 mo. pregnant I began to have problems with my health. I ended up having 2 surgeries within 4 days. It was hard to go in for the first surgery. I was so scared for my baby and me, but my husband (who is very supportive) pointed me in the right direction and lifted my faith. God did indeed take care of me and my baby during the surgery however, it was still such an emotional time for me and my family. After the first surgery, 4 days later I ended up having to have another surgery...talk about more emotional stress. Not just for me, but for my family. My children ( bless their hearts) were so concerned and crying their hearts out because they were worried and did not want me in the hospital. It was so hard for me to keep it together and not break down in front of them, yet I did. As soon as they left, I cried and prayed to God. He yet again, kept me and my baby safe during surgery, but that is not where my difficult road ended.

Over the past two years, I have had to continue this rough path of surgery after surgery. Watching my family go through just as much emotional pain as myself. This has been such an emotional roller coaster for us. I have continually had to go in for surgery after surgery because my body has been resistant to heal. Yet, despite how much I felt I could not go on with the pain anymore or go through it anymore...I always felt that there is no way I could muster up the strength to go through it again...God was there and continues to be there, giving me the much needed strength I need to get through it each and every time.

So I guess what I am trying to say is...When you are faced with a difficult road...Look to God and he will give you the strength you need to walk on and pass through your difficult road. I am not yet done with my difficult road and I have to say it HAS been a journey, but I know that God will continue to give me the strength to continue on.

Jana signing off